Snow and Sand People

So going to Michigan was completely fulfilling! Before I left, I reminded myself that time passes in the blink of an eye, and that I was really going for my mother. She wanted to see me, and my grandparents are unable to travel, so the trip wasn’t so much for me as it was for their enjoyment. For all that my mother has put up with, I could suck it up. I told myself I wasn’t going to nap in the middle of the day, and I wasn’t going to become whiny or homesick because, after all, I would be coming back in just a few short days!

So there were a few upsets while visiting, but I’m happy to report they were not my doing! I wish I could have spent more quality time with my mom and dad, but it was so nice to get up and out, moving around. And Vincent must have missed me on some minor level, for he was good enough to call me at night, which was soothing and reassuring.

While I was there, the weather was perfect. Forty degree days, and yet the snow was thick on the ground so it did not melt. We went shopping on and off, and I picked up a few items, such as a carrier for the baby, a few movies to add to the “kid’s collection” I’ve decided to work on, and even a couple extra maternity bits of clothing.

However, with all the fun, I have to admit I’m at month six, and suddenly my body has turned against me with a vengeance! While the weight problem has been a concern from the beginning, now it’s as if each pound is posing a new problem.  When I was younger, I had a sharp pain in my heel. Imagine a knife, being jabbed into the heel, down to the tip of the bone. The doctor believed I had a heel spur, and while this was never fully resolved, the problem finally came under control (probably because I lost weight, for I have fluctuated throughout my life). The pain has returned, activated by this weight gain of mine, along with my swelling. It hurts to walk, to stand, which makes it hard in turn, to be very active. Not to mention, now I’m swelling like a balloon. While a coworker pointed out it might be from salt, I was certain I had decreased my salt intake. Besides, I drink at least 2 liters of water a day, and that does not include the other abundance of liquids I drink. I’m thirsty all of the time, yet while my hydration seems fine, suddenly the bones in my feet have disappeared! My hands swell throughout the day, sometimes becoming numb especially if I am actively doing something engaging. If I relax on the couch in a position not sitting up (lying down), as soon as I sit up I feel my hips, waist, and back ache. I gather that my hips are shifting, or the ligaments loosening as I have read. However, all of this seems quite sudden, and I am left to wonder how much will start to change from day to day. Still, I remain resilient to a degree! I have practiced painting my toenails a different way, and shaving my legs is the same as always. Too bad I look like a huge blowup doll.

Sometimes I feel really pretty, beautiful like I am spiritually serene, at the peak of some mystery. Other times, I wonder if I will ever go back to being pretty, or if those around me will see me as a mother figure, and be afraid to think of me as sexy. Vincent is going out of town this week, to Mexico, and I’m certain there will be many “hot” girls on the beaches. I wonder if he ever feels like I will never be attractive again.

In the meantime, while I was in Michigan, I did make a snow family with my parents to commemorate or little family. I hope that I can add the pictures here soon, but it may take some time since we are having computer troubles currently.  My mother constructed a Vincent snowman, my father made me, and I made little Cesar! I really thought it would be something nice for our future, to look back on.  And, with any luck I have successfully convinced Vincent to make a grouping of sand people while he is in Mexico. I think that would just be splendid, something very unique! Then again, he is going with seven other males, so hopefully he won’t become embarrassed and back out.  

Above: Snow family. I'm the fat one on the right.. Vince is the left and Cesar in the middle. Updated on 01/01/11 Below: Mom, Dad, and he snow family. Updated 01/01/11

Above: My mom and I at dinner! Updated 01/01/11

A few days, and I’ll be out of here…

     I’m sure Vincent is really looking forward to some time without me. I can’t believe we have managed to stay calm since we began living together in December, especially considering my sensitivity, easily disturbed temper, and whining!  There have been a couple of moments in which we have come close to having an argument, but have thankfully avoided them (just so people don’t think it’s all perfect).

                Sometimes I feel like I am too pushy, or too needy, and that it’s only a matter of time before he gets irritated and tells me he’s had enough. I have to constantly remind myself that we are better than that, and to try and enjoy the time we spend together rather than worry about it so much. Still, with a baby looming not so far off, I think it’s unavoidable for worries not to begin to surface. I think they are for him, he’s just not as vocal as I am about it.

                Still, what he does talk to me about makes me smile. Apparently, Vincent is looking forward to the day that Cesar is old enough to build a fort with him. I picture it as some half made thing in the living room or bedroom from a table or mattresses. He plans to make a sign that says, NO GIRLS ALOUD, and for them both to go play in it.

                Sometimes we talk about which of the two of us will be the stricter parent. Will Cesar dread the “I’m going to tell your father!” or “Wait until your mother hears about this,” threat? I always say I think it’s going to be me. I like to lecture a lot for the sake of hearing my own voice, and I’m a no nonsense, temperamental person. I practice with our two cats. Seems to me that I’m always the one getting after them!

                Although in his defense, Vincent has high standards too. He might surprise me.

                My doctor tried to warn me that at this stage a lot of women, “turn in.” I’m not really sure what that means, but I don’t think it necessarily applies to me. I say that because from the context she used it, it sounded as though she was referring to a more reflective state. Unfortunately, I’ve always been reflective (as you can see from my past writings) and I have always overanalyzed things. I think the most reflective I have been through this whole pregnancy was more towards the beginning, as I was getting used to the idea, questioning myself. Now, there is a lot more anxiety, sure. Sometimes I think I just can’t do this, that I’d rather stay pregnant a little while longer. After all, I can sleep in, eat, complain.

                But beyond the usual pressures I am focusing a lot on making myself feel spoiled! Plus, Cesar is so calm that sometimes I actually forget that I’m pregnant. I know that sounds horrid, but he’s so calm and sweet, that I just think I’m really fat sometimes!

I ordered my birthing gown today.. which I thought was a nice treat. I hope it fits well, because I would hate to deliver in a nasty hospital gown. By having my own choice in that, hopefully I will feel a little less estranged! Been painting my nails a bit lately, and I’m actually looking forward to going to Michigan. Everything I was feeling the other week was fixed after I spoke with my mother and with Vincent. My mother encouraged me to focus on myself, on working on my self esteem, and as I warned she did say, “Buy yourself something!” So I intend to do lots of shopping while in Michigan.

                Meanwhile, I have been pondering something nice to do for Vincent also. He really has been such a great support, and Valentine’s day is coming up so that’s pretty perfect timing. Well, truth be told, most of my Valentine’s days have been spent with my family, since it’s my mother’s birthday. I’ve never really had the opportunity to see it as a romantic holiday, and that’s probably lucky for me since Vincent really doesn’t care for the holiday anyway. Still, I will be in Michigan then, celebrating with my mom, but I figured perhaps I should try to do something nice or buy something as a show of appreciation. However, the problem remains that Vincent is extremely picky, and being that he doesn’t care for Valentine’s day I can’t buy chocolate (oh yeah he hates chocolate as well)           or cards. So I’m a bit confused. How do you show someone gratitude or that you care very much about them when they seem to get what they want on their own? Hmmmm…