Sometimes I like to do a little overanalyzing on my psyche. Currently, my troubles seem to stem from a lot of insecurity, along with a healthy dose of pride.
In becoming a mom, as I have stated before, everyone has an opinion based on their own experience. Yet there are times when I question if other mothers don’t try to pass of their own disappointments as things that cannot be avoided.
My own mother used to always tell me never to lose myself. This advice came from her own experience, and a valuable, tragic one at that. She liked the arts. It’s hard, imagining her painting, drawing, doing art, because I never saw that. Though she excelled in school, she tells me that after becoming a mom, well that’s what she became. Mom. Only mom. Nothing else. Well, while she fell into a nice routine, things changed. We grew up… and at around thirteen, things fell apart between her and my father. She tells me that she wasn’t a person anymore. We weren’t babies to take care of and she had let our lives become her whole life, thus she didn’t know what to communicate with my father about. I’m not explaining their divorce, for there were other issues I’m certain. I am, however, moved by this powerful example of what potentially happens when you allow yourself to be completely forgotten. To this day, I can’t say she’s picked up a brush, done a sketch, or tried anything new.
I see this happen to a few other women too, some of them close friends of mine. They tell me they just don’t have time, that I too, will have to let things go. In fact, according to some, I’m not only going to have to let myself go, but the house as well… because you know, kids cause a lot of mess and I’ll just exhaust myself if I try to keep it clean.
This is all very good advice… to an extent. After a while, it becomes a little depressing. Is this what mothers everywhere are resigned to? Just giving up? I investigate a little more, and there seems to be a gap, kind of like how some accuse the gap between the rich and poor of growing. Either you’re a really good mom, or you are a party animal and terrible parent.
Don’t get me wrong… I intend to be a mom and caretaker first. Prioritizing, however, is vastly different from mutating altogether. I’d like to say I’m a mom first, maybe good partner or person second, a good writer third, and a girl who likes to play video games and read fourth. Why can’t there be that balance?
Upon a little more investigation, I find that there are parents.. far and few between, who do make these things happen. It’s hard work, but it can be done. Still, my own friends seem skeptical when I tell them this, as if it’s some kind of lie made up by the media to make them specifically feel like failures.
I don’t understand! Why do women like to say, “that’s just the way it is.” What’s the point of being a human being, if your only job is to be mom? Doesn’t that basically boil down to procreation? Once you’ve completed your task then, and successfully raised your children, what’s your purpose?
Personally, it seems to me that the best course of action is a healthy balance. I’m trying to keep my mind in shape with this blog, and also been doing a little writing on the side. I don’t pressure myself to do it at length or every day, as I expect I won’t be able to with a baby. However, I fully intend to incorporate writing into his and my life, so that A: I won’t lose my skill, and B: he can learn and take an interest. Kids get so many toys, why can’t we teach them, especially art?
I encouraged one of my friends, a stay at home mom, to do the same. She used to be an artist, and now, has no time. While her situation does pose more of a difficulty than mine (her husband is away for the military) I told her that at least when her son is a bit older, why not introduce him to the paintbrush? As a little kid, I loved messing things up, the thrill of colors, and the experience of creating. She didn’t respond to me, so I assume I might have offended her. Sometimes, people don’t want to change things, but rather let them go.
For me, however, being nervous after the fiasco with my own mother, I have resigned myself to reading to my son, to teaching him words and writing as soon as I can. Anything to do with books and words will keep my mind in shape and get him going. I can tell him my own stories in fact! I don’t understand why, if you have a passion, you would completely disown it instead of sharing it with your child directly. A proactive, productive mom, is my goal.
Of course, this is within reason. Okay, so maybe I can’t keep the house immaculate. Maybe I can’t write a three hundred page novel in the span of a few days with a baby. That’s not what I’m demanding. But Cesar shouldn’t be my excuse for letting everything go either. Because that can potentially turn into resentment, anger, and disappointment.
As my own little disclaimer, I’m not trying to lump all mothers together or say that if they enjoy being a mom and only that, then they are failures. I just know that lifestyle isn’t for me, and I want to retain myself as a person, so that my son can get to know me as mother first, then a role model (or lack thereof!), and as a productive person. So yes.. I'm a little insecure that I will not be able to write and lose myself, and I'm worried that I will fail to be able to find this special balance so many have worked so hard for, and that will hurt my pride quite a bit.
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