I’m sure Vincent is really looking forward to some time without me. I can’t believe we have managed to stay calm since we began living together in December, especially considering my sensitivity, easily disturbed temper, and whining! There have been a couple of moments in which we have come close to having an argument, but have thankfully avoided them (just so people don’t think it’s all perfect).
Sometimes I feel like I am too pushy, or too needy, and that it’s only a matter of time before he gets irritated and tells me he’s had enough. I have to constantly remind myself that we are better than that, and to try and enjoy the time we spend together rather than worry about it so much. Still, with a baby looming not so far off, I think it’s unavoidable for worries not to begin to surface. I think they are for him, he’s just not as vocal as I am about it.
Still, what he does talk to me about makes me smile. Apparently, Vincent is looking forward to the day that Cesar is old enough to build a fort with him. I picture it as some half made thing in the living room or bedroom from a table or mattresses. He plans to make a sign that says, NO GIRLS ALOUD, and for them both to go play in it.
Sometimes we talk about which of the two of us will be the stricter parent. Will Cesar dread the “I’m going to tell your father!” or “Wait until your mother hears about this,” threat? I always say I think it’s going to be me. I like to lecture a lot for the sake of hearing my own voice, and I’m a no nonsense, temperamental person. I practice with our two cats. Seems to me that I’m always the one getting after them!
Although in his defense, Vincent has high standards too. He might surprise me.
My doctor tried to warn me that at this stage a lot of women, “turn in.” I’m not really sure what that means, but I don’t think it necessarily applies to me. I say that because from the context she used it, it sounded as though she was referring to a more reflective state. Unfortunately, I’ve always been reflective (as you can see from my past writings) and I have always overanalyzed things. I think the most reflective I have been through this whole pregnancy was more towards the beginning, as I was getting used to the idea, questioning myself. Now, there is a lot more anxiety, sure. Sometimes I think I just can’t do this, that I’d rather stay pregnant a little while longer. After all, I can sleep in, eat, complain.
But beyond the usual pressures I am focusing a lot on making myself feel spoiled! Plus, Cesar is so calm that sometimes I actually forget that I’m pregnant. I know that sounds horrid, but he’s so calm and sweet, that I just think I’m really fat sometimes!
I ordered my birthing gown today.. which I thought was a nice treat. I hope it fits well, because I would hate to deliver in a nasty hospital gown. By having my own choice in that, hopefully I will feel a little less estranged! Been painting my nails a bit lately, and I’m actually looking forward to going to Michigan. Everything I was feeling the other week was fixed after I spoke with my mother and with Vincent. My mother encouraged me to focus on myself, on working on my self esteem, and as I warned she did say, “Buy yourself something!” So I intend to do lots of shopping while in Michigan.
Meanwhile, I have been pondering something nice to do for Vincent also. He really has been such a great support, and Valentine’s day is coming up so that’s pretty perfect timing. Well, truth be told, most of my Valentine’s days have been spent with my family, since it’s my mother’s birthday. I’ve never really had the opportunity to see it as a romantic holiday, and that’s probably lucky for me since Vincent really doesn’t care for the holiday anyway. Still, I will be in Michigan then, celebrating with my mom, but I figured perhaps I should try to do something nice or buy something as a show of appreciation. However, the problem remains that Vincent is extremely picky, and being that he doesn’t care for Valentine’s day I can’t buy chocolate (oh yeah he hates chocolate as well) or cards. So I’m a bit confused. How do you show someone gratitude or that you care very much about them when they seem to get what they want on their own? Hmmmm…
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